JOHNNY VEGA – Executive Producer . . . with 15 years of experience producing top rated morning shows . . . including "Rick Dees" and "Mark & Brian". He created The Complete Sheet because show prep of this caliber simply didn't exist . . . and it sure beats pickin' strawberries or sellin' oranges on freeway off-ramps like many of his half-Latino homeboys who didn't make it out of the barrio.
	BRYAN CRAIN – Executive Producer . . . with years of experience getting coffee for "Mark & Brian" and kissing their asses in hopes that one day those experiences would help him start the most kick-ass show prep service on the planet. Bryan is a nice, middle class white-boy who graduated from USC's prestigious Marshall School of Business, where he learned that the key to success in life is to associate with Asians. . . preferably the Crafty Chinese.
	CHARLIE REINKE - Head Comedy Writer . . . also writes material for Mancow, Rick Dees, Jay Thomas, Jay Leno, and many top stand-up comics. Charlie is an Irish family man with two lovely teenage daughters . . . who have no idea their father is the sickest, most twisted, and horniest red-head on the planet! But he pays for their expensive Catholic-school education by writing cutting-edge comedy . . . that will probably earn him a nice place in Hell.
	JESSICA STROMBERG - Business Manager . . . she makes sure all your administrative needs are taken care of immediately so that you feel like a member of The Complete Sheet "family". If you see Jessica, who is our beautiful blond Swede, you may desire to gyrate about her genitalia, but DON'T . . . cuz her precious hymen is still intact!
	ROBERT ALAN - Sales Scum . . . he's actually a Puerto Rican who's adopted an Anglo surname so as to increase his chances of making sales to "Whitey". He's also the only member of our staff who can truthfully say he has a 9-inch, uncut dork.
	NICK ENGLISH - Our Showbiz Writer . . . is perhaps the only Italian-American in the country who's never even seen an entire episode of "The Sopranos". Not because he has a problem with the show's portrayal of his people, but because he only makes enough money to afford one pay channel, and he prefers Cinemax to HBO, because they sometimes show bush. All of Nick's neckties are pre-tied, some for more than 10 years now, and he only wears them for weddings and funerals.
	LIEUTENANT MIKE - Editor extraordinaire . . . Still bitter about never being deployed to the Gulf War, Lieutenant Mike would just as soon kill you with one of his 39 gorgeous instruments of death as he would speak to you. Unlike the lieutenant from "Forrest Gump", he still has the use of both legs . . . for now. Thanks to a growing addiction to online chess and internet porn, he is less of a threat to society . . . and more of a threat to the raw, palpitating weapon in his pantaloons. What's he hiding??? Behind that murderous glint in his eye, there's always the fear that he MIGHT snap and lay waste to all who have wronged him . . . but, for now, he's happy just being the nocturnal mystery man who everyone says hi to . . . then ducks.
	SAM GREENSPAN - Stupid News Writer . . . When not sitting in a room in Switzerland with the other six Jews who run the entire world, Sam digs through the deep recesses of the media to find the stupidest, strangest, sweetest and sexiest things going on in the news. Despite being the proud owner of a 235 IQ, an unfiltered smart-ass mouth, a carbohydrate addiction and a 2001 Saturn SL-1, Sam also has a sometimes off-putting mix of cockiness and comedy snobbery . . . a direct result of his sweet Jewish parents giving their only child constant and overblown praise for 25 straight years.